If you’ve been through an airport lately, or ever for that matter you know that there are a few tricks to keeping people employed by government agencies or failng airlines from destroying your trip.

I’ve been priveleged to fly and travel quite a bit in my life. I’ve hardly gone a year of my life without leaving the country or at least the main land, and to show you how crazy we ( it’s my family’s fault) are, we actually discussed taking a route back through San francisco from Sydney, on the way to new Zealand just for the miles… (if that didn’t make sense, you’re normal)

Needless to say I formed a lot of travel tactics when I was a defiant, authority hating teenager, that prove amazingly useful as you get older.

1. Check In

Not much defiance here, just smile big and try not to be a moron. I’ve got a process for having everything ready so I can be quick. There are a fee things I’ve noticed you can ask forgiveness for that will get you out of the lone though.

- remember “you have a choice of air lines, and they are glad you chose them”
- the 1k (first class line) will usually take you if you play it right. The key is to make it harder for them to turn you away than to just take care of you really quick.

2. Security: getting through quick is awesome, except there’s not a whole lot you can do here because these guts gave firs power. The key here is process. Gave nothing on you, except your ID and boarding pass. Put everything else in outside pockets of your carry on, especially your jacket.

Also, (hope I don’t get in trouble for this) but I never put my liquids or gels in the zip lock bag. As long as you move quickly, stay organized and answer the gels question as a “no” quickly, (and you’re not carrying a huge bottle of shaving cream or hair spray) they won’t give you trouble, at least they haven’t messed with me.

3. Overhead compartment

All you have to do is be a little faster, than the next guy. Gotta admit, you can get away with stowing more underneath the seat in front if you than you think, as long as it looks like you’re putting it away when the flight attendant comes by you’re fine.

( try not to call attention to yourself, by always acting compliant)

4. Keeping your “electronic devices on” even before you reach a cruising altitude.

This is the big one. You won’t get away with having your laptop out and on, but you can do just about anything iPhone.

KEY 1: use iPhone head phones, because they have controls on the headphones themselves.

KEY 2: run them under your shirt, and only use one. (It depends on the airline, I’ve noticed that the people on southwest are horibly annal about this, united us so so, and Delta has just stopped caring.) If you need to be sneaky, just use the ear facing the window on your side of the plane, the hide the other one in your shirt. ( If there’s a big middle section and that’s where you’re sitting, you’re already screwed so just deal with it.)

KEY 3: always make it more inconvinient for them to bug you than just leave you alone. There are a few ways to do this:

1- pretend to sleep
2- dealing with kids even if they aren’t yours
3- always be “finishing up” or “putting it away”
4- think the same way you did when you were passing notes in fifth grade.

5. Keeping your seat in the slightly laid back position and opening your tray table early

This will require collaboration from your fellow travelers. But as long as the seats look even, they can’t tell.

Follow steps from number 4 and…

As soon as the flight attendants have to put on their seat belts you’re free to use your tray table. If they come back mad, just be “sorry” or make it look ultra inconvienient for you to put it up.

Well, that’s it. Hope you chuckled a bit, and oh by the way, I wrote this on my iPhone, during take off.

AJ
Twitter.com/andrewjamesinc